Happy Birthday!
by Exilo
Summary: Its a very special day for Wolf. Its his birthday, and it seems he's never had a birthday party before. But Samus got it into her head that he should have a party, that he's going to like it, even if it kills him. Dedicated to Pae. One shot.


**I've been on this site for a while now. I've done 29 stories, three of them in SSB, played in two RP forums, sent countless e-mails, changed my penname twice. And through all that there has always only been one Pae. She inspired me to finish my SSB stuff, which honestly if not for her I never would have finally worked out Once More, With Feeling. She got me into role playing (still not sure if that was a good thing or not). If I knew you were going to like Project: Orphan, I would have saved that for today and given it to you now, but instead I've written this specifically for you, for this day. Besides, Project Orphan that's not a story that should be associated with a birthday. Not sure how it came out, but I do hope that you like. If not, I owe you one good fic. Enjoy.**

_Happy Birthday_

"No," Wolf snapped.

"But-"

"No."

"Just think-"

"No. I have gone thirty six years, why the hell should I start now?"

Samus huffed, following after Wolf, who was in one of his moods. He was like a prepubescent girl sometimes, one minute happy and horny, and a single misplaced word and he shrunk into a bitter, snapping little mutt. "All I'm saying is, if you've never had one, how can you be so against it?"

"Ever have a fist shoved so far up your ass the knuckles rapped the back of your teeth?"

Samus actually took a step back at that remark, in disgust or shock. "Just entertain the idea. It will be fun."

"Okay." He hopped from foot to foot, scratching his chin, tail flopping lazily from side to side. He walked over to the side of the hall and smashed his head against the wall, making a small dent, then stumbled back, dizzy. "I have thought about the idea and come to a decision after a great deal of deliberation. No. Now I'm going to get a burger and when I get back, I want you to have another something to discuss."

He stormed off, shuffling and snapping. By chance, at that moment, Link turned the corner, accidentally moving into Wolf's path. A firm, open palm to the center of the elf's chest sent the youth against the wall. It took him a moment to crawl out of the small crater his mass had made, everyone kept saying that drywall wasn't the best material, but the higher ups refused to listen. Actually, maybe it was for the best, Samus didn't want to think about what would have happened if Link collided with solid brick or stone. By the time he extracted himself, Wolf had turned another corner. By the crashing noise, someone else had gotten in his way.

"What's his problem?" Link asked, stretching a few painful kinks out of his back. He took off his hat, and shook stray particles out of his hair. Then he dusted off his green tunic until it was reasonably clean.

"I asked him what cake he wanted for his birthday."

"Wolf has a birthday?"

Samus looked at him. "Yeah. What do you mean?"

"Does he have a mother?"

"I assume, he keeps bitching about how bad a childhood he had."

Link looked down, now embarrassed. Crimson began to glow under his cheeks. He really did like Samus, but he always felt nervous in her presence, for one reason or another. She was always so strong, never a misstep or a slip of tongue. Like his princess, only what she lacked in magical prowess, she more than made up for in muscle and science. He was almost afraid of her. Actually, he was afraid of her.

"I guess I always imagined someone like Wolf just, you know, spontaneously coming into existence on February 31."

"Wolf's birthday is in a few days-"

"He hasn't mentioned anything. How do you know?"

"I hacked into the computer files. If I'm going to be in a relationship with him, I wanted to know what I'm getting into. So I asked him what cake he wants, or anything else. Zero to crazy in less than a heartbeat."

"Wolf getting mad over something trivial and ridiculous? You have every reason to be worried. That is completely unlike him. May I ask, why do you care?"

Samus shrugged. "No one shouldn't have a birthday. I mean, that's just pathetic, even for Wolf. Old Bird used to throw me a party every year, even though it got him some odd looks. Adam did too. Hell, even you guys set something up every year."

"If Wolf doesn't want a party, I don't see why we should force it upon him."

"He needs a birthday, everyone does. That's why you're going to help me."

"And if I don't want to help you?"

"Then I'll kick the crap out of you."

XXX

"So I hear it's your birthday." Wolf looked up from his burger. Nana was standing on the table in front of him, hands on hips and pelvis aimed a little forward in a rather bizarre stance. There was something different about her, and then he noticed that her hood was down, moppy brown hair stretching far past her little shoulders and messy.

"How do you find this stuff out? Is there a forum or chat room that you all go to?"

"Yes. It's where we go to find out how to best annoy you. No one likes you Wolf. Well, I do. And Samus does. And Mewtwo. And Jesus. But everyone else thinks you're an asshole. Happy Birthday!"

"It's not my birthday."

"Happy non-Birthday!"

"Nana, I swear, if you don't-"

"Happy Birthday!"

An open hand caught Nana at the chest, middle and index finger curled around her shoulders, pinky and thumb wrapped around her ribs. He lifted her off the table, and then pushed her onto her back with just enough force she gave a startled yelp. He kept her pinned down with his hand, her squirming furiously but unable to find a way to escape, as he finished his burger, wiped his mouth, and stood up. Only then did he let her out of the pin. She scampered up to her feet, hopping up and down enthusiastically, cleat shoes making ugly marks in the wooden table that R.O.B. would throw a fit about. He turned to leave and see if Samus had given up on her newest, most ridiculous, obsession.

"Happy Birthday!" Nana screamed. His ears nearly popped. He felt a gentle weight pounce on his back, then hands with mittens yank a handful of the fur from his neck as she tried to get a good hold. It wasn't as painful as it could be, but when she reached up and inadvertently tugged at his sensitive ear, while digging her cleats into his spine, he started to get annoyed. Reaching behind him, he caught her by the collar and brought her to his front, looking around, trying to ignore the residual snickers from the rest of the Smasher. Finally he found a coat hook and hung her up by the hood, not bothering to question why a coat hook would be in the mess hall. He had long learned to ignore such inconsistencies.

"Let me down!" she screamed.

But he had already left.

XXX

"All I can say is how bad an idea this is."

Samus shook her head. "Alright, now that we have that important statement out of the way, anyone else?"

Lucas raised his hand.

"Yes Lucas?"

"This is a huge waste of time."

"Anyone else?"

"Why should we bother with Wolf?" Roy asked. "No one organized a party for my birthday."

"Yes we did. You were just drunk at the time, so you don't remember."

"The point still stands."

"What point?" Samus moved her hands to her forehead and stretched the hair out of her face. "I can't believe you people. I want you to take one day out of your _busy_ schedules to give something to Wolf that he's never had, and you guys just can't do it can you?"

"That's right," Red said.

"Bowser, help."

Bowser looked to her, and the pleading look in her eyes. Perhaps the only person other than she or Mewtwo who liked Wolf. She couldn't properly turn a phrase, and Mewtwo was keeping Wolf busy so that he wouldn't stumble upon this little meeting. He nodded, stood up, and cleared his throat. "Roar," he roared.

"Alright, fine," Roy said. "But I'm not going to like it."

"Whiny little bitch," Samus muttered, as she left the main living room.

XXX

Wolf held his head, claws digging into his scalp, grey fur growing darker as saturation spread out. Mewtwo just stared. Those soulless eyes and dead gaze never flinching. He stared, searching for a tell, a twitch of the ears, a flick of the tail, something that would help him. He moved his claw, slowly, carefully considering what he should pick up and slide forward. He yanked his hand back and looked to Mewtwo again.

"_You're going to lose," _the feline comforted.

"Well then, pressure's off." Sighing, Wolf moved his knight to C4. A purple glow embraced Mewtwo's bishop, sliding it along to F6. "_Checkmate_."

"How the hell could they make chess even worse? I know, make it three dimensional. Why not? What could possibly go wrong."

"_Play again?"_

Wolf growled. "Yeah, sure, set it up."

The individual pieces glowed with purple, as did Mewtwo's eyes as they buzzed and swarmed around the room, the little horseys and castles and kings and queens taking their designated positions. "You ever have a birthday?" Wolf asked.

"_Yes. You're white this time, you can go first."_

Without much thought, Mewtwo always won after all, Wolf passed his pawn two spaces up. "How have you had a birthday? How do you even know when you were born, or cloned, or whatever?"

Bony shoulders shrugged. "_Every July 18. Mew says that's my birthday. I have learned better than to question her in such endeavors. You're move."_

Wolf spent a long time staring at the board, trying to decipher the multileveled enigma that Mewtwo seemed so easily to crack, time and time again. He moved his bishop next.

_"How have you never had a birthday?"_

_"_Have you listened to anything that I have said about my childhood? Do my parents really seem like the kind of cuddly folks who would want to throw their kid a surprise party? Say what you like about Andross, but the man kept excellent records on his citizenship. If not for that, I wouldn't even know when my birthday is." Wolf watched as Mewtwo's bishop bopped another of his pawns off the game board. He loved his bishops. Once he had actually managed to take out one of the bishops and his queen, and when Mewtwo got one of his pawns to Wolf's side of the board, he asked for that same bishop, not the queen, back. Mewtwo had won that match, so Wolf didn't bother satirizing the strategy.

"_Your parents are dead. Why not have a party. A final erected middle finger towards their grave."_

_"_It's stupid," Wolf snapped. "God damn it, you just took my queen. How the hell did you do that? I made sure she was safe from you bishops, but that damn knight and his damn L walk thing. How the hell does a horse move like that? It can't jump over a castle."

_"It's a rook, not a castle. You aren't capable of thinking any number of moves ahead. So long as everything is in front of you, you're unstoppable. But I'm operating outside your vision."_

Wolf growled, but said nothing as he moved again, and again, one of his pieces was bopped away. At the present rate, he imagined Mewtwo's victory in three more moves. He took pride in that, since if he could hold out, it would be one of the longest games he had ever lasted. Mewtwo was right, he lacked a certain vision that was necessary to succeed in chess.

"It's stupid," Wolf continued. "I mean, sure, I celebrated when I finally squirmed out from between my mother's legs, escaping from her oppressive womb. But people do that everyday. Why should we celebrate such an ordinary achievement? I didn't even do anything. She did all the work. I probably should have thanked her."

Mewtwo shook his head. _"You have psychological problems that I am just not licensed to handle. I am sorry that I can't be of more help." _He noticed Samus walk past, the look she gave in the corner of her eye, a subtle nod that Wolf may have picked up on had he not been staring at the chess board so intensely; he looked to be in pain. His bishop swelled purple and moved into a compromising position for Wolf's king. "_Checkmate._"

Wolf took firm hold of the board and threw it across the room. "I am never playing that again," he growled, before turning and storming away.

XXX

"So I hear you never had a birthday party," Link said.

Wolf threw his hands up in defeat, he fell to his knees and started to cry. "What do you people want from me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Please."

"Is it true, though, that you've never had a birthday?"

He lifted Link up by the collar, both hands taking firm grip of the youth's tunic. Link was taller than he was, but Wolf was heavier and mostly muscle, and once he locked his extended elbows, he was fine. He was a stocky thing, solid under his layer of fur, as everyone quickly learned when they took a punch in the gut.

"Samus is planning a surprise party. The whole mansion has been invited."

"Why would she be doing that?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say she assumes that it's something kind and polite. She must believe that you are still deserving of such intimacies."

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"Simple really, I don't like you, Mr. O'Donnell. I believe you are a cruel, horrible person, and this tournament would be better off if not touched by your taint. Though it might hurt Ms. Aran, I would like nothing more than for this little party to be a flop, so with luck, she will lose faith in you. She will see you as you really are. A cold, cruel little monster, undeserving of sympathy or love. Have a good day, Mr. O'Donnell. And do this mansion a favor, and spend your birthday as far away from this mansion as you can."

Wolf let a residual growl escape his throat as he watched the elf calmly walk down the hall. He wanted him to turn around, he wanted him to make some hostile gesture so he could tear him limb from limb. Clamp his jaws around the youth's throat and taste the blood. Shred that perfect flesh with his claws. By the time Link turned the corner of the hallway, Wolf still hadn't moved.

XXX

"This is so stupid," Roy whined.

"God as my witness, shut up or I'm taking your tongue," Samus snapped.

No one was exactly enthusiastic about the business, but they all tagged along. Some willingly, such as the ever noble Meta-Knight. Link liked her enough to help, though he had such a strong disdain for Wolf he did everything with grumbles and growls under his breath. Some she had bought off. She promised to help Snake at some point in the future with a deed of his choosing, what deed she wouldn't know until she was performing it. And Kirby was easy enough, she just reminded him of the cake. Lots and lots of cake. She had to physically intimidate Yoshi and Red, and Roy of course. Most others helped simply because they had nothing better to do.

She had to admit, the "good guy" longue had never looked better. R.O.B. did a great job, scrubbing the floors and shining the windows to near mirror sheen. He was still going at it, wiping invisible specks of dust off the table and chairs. She had given Kirby and Nana some markers. They had made a pretty, well, at the very least colorful, banner with the words: "Happy Birthday" written in very large letters. Peach had had made over two dozen cakes, various flavors and icing. Hopefully that would be enough to satisfy Kirby, since Samus had seen to it that there were five additional cakes still safe in the kitchen. Everyone else was making little adjustments to, hanging additional ornaments or setting out the chips and soda.

"He's not in his room," Link said, coming in through the main entrance.

"What do you mean?" Samus asked.

"He's not in his room," Link said again. Casually, he crossed the room and poured himself a glass of soda, sipping at it.

"Where could he have gone?"

"I don't know, but I found this letter." He cleared his throat, before reading, "Dear Samus, since there is no way you have possibly planned a surprise party since I specifically told you that I don't want one, I woke up and decided to go fishing, love Wolf…Kisses."

Samus had been arranging several glass cups in an elaborate stack. A sudden tightening of her grip, and the thin glass shattered. Continuing to close her hand, she let the blood saturate her grip before taking a towel from R.O.B. and tying her wound off.

"We have all worked very hard to organize this party," she said with a slow, frightening tone. "Wolf is somewhere in the surrounding forests. Are we going to let him slink out?"

"No!" the room shouted in unison.

"Are we going to track that little mutt down and make him enjoy this party, even if it kills him?"

"Yes!"

"Team one, the river. Team two, go north. Team three, the caves. Team four, the clearing. Target is a small, furry anthromorphic carnivore, grey fur and one eye. He is adept at living in the wilderness. Do not underestimate him. I want a dragnet sweep over the entire area, fifty mile perimeter. When you find him, incapacitate by whatever means necessary. I want him brought to me, alive."

"Hurrah!" they shouted, rushing out of the room, all eager to be the first to get their hands on Wolf. The fact that they didn't like him was reason enough, they would have gone out to hunt him simply because they were bored, but that they had spent the past six hours organizing a party was enough to make even the often shy Luigi furious.

Samus watched, as the smashers flooded out of the mansion. "Where did they get the torches and pitchforks?" Link asked, coming to her side.

"I don't know, but their mobilization is remarkable."

"They are going to be furious when they find out that this is all a trick."

"What trick would that be? Wolf left a note, they all heard it. I have no clue where he could be, and this most certainly was not some ridiculous plot to achieve my own ends." She couldn't help but smile. "I love it when a plan comes together."

"You realize how much you owe me for this?"

"Yes, Link, I know."

Taking hold of his Master Sword, he had to make it look good after all, he started forward to join. Samus watched as he joined the frothing mob who swept through the forest, all looking for the little beast who they would never find. Samus took her time, going into the kitchen and pulling the German Chocolate Cake out of the oven. She found a few candles, not thirty-six so she had to settle on an even ten, then took out her lighter and lit each.

Carrying the cake, she wandered up to the mansion's attic, which took longer than she expected. By the time she pulled the stairway down, the little candles had melted and the wax had begun to mingle with the cake's brown frosting, giving it a boiled, clear sheen.

"You can come out Wolf, I know you're up here."

She looked around thoughtfully, examining every protruding bulge of cloth, every corner to hid behind. Finally she set the cake down and fetched a ladder. Following the ventilation shaft, she noticed the one spot where the thin metal was bending a little farther than normal. Taking out her whip/gun, she opened the bottom with the skills of a surgeon. Scurrying up the ladder, she reached up, and took a firm hold of something long and furry.

"Wolf, come down," she growled, hoisting and yanking. She noticed a long set of claws punching through the shaft, how they struggled to find a grip, instead just cutting through the sheet metal as she dragged him along. "I swear Wolf, I'll tear off your tail if you don't come out. You know I will."

"Fuck you!" came the echoing roar from inside the shaft.

"Fine, you asked for it," Samus said. She put her left foot back, off the ladder rung, and let her right foot slid off the step. Wolf howled, louder than she had ever heard, but that may have been because of the booming echo inside the shaft. "Come down!" she shouted, throwing her weight down to her feet. The ceiling gave way.

She fell on her back, Wolf fell on top, knocking the wind out of her. The cake stumbled off the table, landing flat on the ground. Wolf shook his head, trying to clear the dust from his eyes, before scurrying on all fours, hoping to reach the open door, but Samus took him by the boot, yanking his foot back so he stumbled and tripped, smacking his jaw on the floor. His claws dug into the ground as Samus rose to her knees and pulled him back, hands batting the flaring legs. Her free hand grabbed the flight suit that covered the small of his back, and she yanked his again, before falling forward and pinning him under her superior weight. He flared like an animal, biting and snapping and clawing, she merely kept his muzzle buried in the floor until he finally stopped and settled to a low whimper.

"You had better never let me up because when you do I am going to kill you."

"If you weren't such a little baby, we wouldn't have to go through this whole thing every damn day."

"Let me up," he snapped again. Once again, he started snapping and clawing furiously at her.

"Wolfie, you can't get out of this hold. Just calm down and I'll let you up."

One last attempt, where with Samus on his back, he managed to lift to all fours. The burden was too much, and he splattered back on the ground.

"Now, do you promise to behave?"

She took the resulting growl as a yes, and hoisted him to his feet. Then, without a word, she walked away.

"Where are you going?" he asked, following after into the kitchen, where she donned a pair of oven mitts and pulled out a second chocolate cake from the oven.

"What part of 'I don't want a cake' did you not get?"

"No," Samus said quickly. "This is for me. Peach gave me her special recipe. Put mashed up Milky Ways in the cake batter. Genius."

She put two slabs of cake onto a respective plate each. From a draw, she pulled out a few candles, plunging them into the chocolaty depth. Hands groped the pockets of his flightsuit, at last finding Wolf's lighter.

"So you set this whole thing up? Everything?" He clapped his hands. "Bravo. I didn't know you had such a manipulative streak in you."

"I figured you wouldn't want a huge party, but just you and me, maybe you'd be more open to. They'll be out till night fall looking for you. They are going to be really pissed when they get back. Now make your wish."

Wolf exhaled through his snout, blowing the flame out. Wisps of smoke dissipated in the air. Samus was slow to move to his side, but finally wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close. "Happy Birthday," she said.

He snuck a bit closer. "So when's your birthday?"


End file.
